Valentine?s Day is coming up.
It?s less than two weeks away.
And as far as I?m concerned, it should probably be scrubbed off the calendar with an industrial strength Brillo pad.
Let?s face it.? For me, Valentine?s Day is when you really learn where your relationships stand.
It?s when you learn that there?s a passive-aggressive reason why the classmate who captured your sixth grade heart handed out 23 valentines to her 24 classmates ? and you realize that you?re the 24th person.
It?s when the flowers you?ve sent to the person who told you, ?I love you,? are returned by her to the florist.
It?s when you see that same person who told you ?I love you,? announced her engagement to someone else.
It?s when you see commercials of loving couples who wear diamond bracelets and offer cocoa-warm loving gazes ? while you?re sitting at home, by yourself, watching a How It?s Made marathon.
I realize that the Valentine?s Day holiday is a billion-dollar business for florists and chocolatiers.? And I realize also that there a billion people that are enjoying wonderful, loving relationships, and who appreciate Valentine?s Day as much as they enjoy their wedding anniversaries or their engagements.
For me, it?s just another day in which I recount my failures in relationships.
It?s no secret that I?ve been divorced twice.? Heck, I?ve blogged about it.? I?ve also had numerous failed relationships ? college breakups, high school breakups, more breaks than at a plate-spinners? convention.
And then when Valentine?s Day rolls around ? it just inflates my inferiority complex to King Kong proportions.? The holiday, and all the trappings associated with it, just makes me feel so inadequate and marginalized and worthless.? It reinforces every single rejection, every single taunt, every single flaw and failure in my life. It?s like Christmas-related depression ? except that it involves an archery-toting cherub.
Somehow I?ve patched my heart together after every breakup.? If Krazy Glue can fix everything from the handle on a ceramic coffee mug to the trim on a model kit, then certainly it can repair the fractures along my aorta and ventricles.
And in the back of my mind, I keep thinking to myself, ?Chuck, why even bother?? Why get involved if you?re going to be back in this same position two days or two months later??
Maybe it?s because even though February 14th is coming up soon? and it will indeed pass, just like all the other 48 Valentine?s Days in my life? I keep hoping, deep in the tiny place that is the last remaining scintilla of hope in my soul, that someday I?ll find a reason to celebrate Valentine?s Day.? A reason to eventually appreciate the holiday for what it is ? a celebration of love and companionship ? and not just as the black-budget day for Hershey?s and Hallmark and FTD and Whitman Samplers.
But for now, all Valentine?s Day means to me is that I?ve failed in my life.? Miserably.? Unequivocally.
That? and I?m running out of Krazy Glue.
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